LINWOOD BARCLAY
It's time once again for our regular feature that has never run before and probably never will again, Keeping Safe! This is the advice column that covers everything from smoke detectors to air bags. If it's about your personal security, you can be sure we'll cover it here!
Let's go straight to today's letter:
Dear Keeping Safe!: I like to be prepared for just about every eventuality, although I realize some things, like when a piano may fall on you, are unpredictable. But I've come to believe that my latest source of anxiety is a very real concern. What can I do if Britney Spears tries to marry me? She seems like a nice enough person and all, and her music is okay if you like that kind of thing, but I do not want to marry her.
Larry in Wisconsin
Dear Larry: Your fear is not as unusual, or farfetched, as you might think. Many men, and even some women, understand that it is in the realm of possibility that they may be stopped at random by the pop singer, and forced to marry her. Britney has already been married twice this year, and divorced once, and given that there is no official record of her most recent marriage despite the photos in People, she may not actually be married at all. She could strike again at any moment.
There are a number of things you can do if you encounter Britney Spears and she indicates to you that she would like to become your bride:
1. First of all, do not look upon her for too long. She is not without her charms. You may find yourself succumbing to her siren screech, even against your best judgment. Look away as much as possible.
2. Turn and run. This is not, we must warn you, a 100 per cent successful strategy. Just as a bird will sometimes feign a broken wing to outwit predators, Britney has been known to fake leg injuries to get out of concert dates. She may not look as though she can run quickly, but it is a ruse. Still, give it a shot. Run in a zig-zag, serpentine pattern. If Britney is wearing spike heels, she'll have difficulty with the sharp cornering, and may tip over. Try to run past poles (street lamps, parking meters). Britney may become distracted, and wrap herself around one.
3. If you cannot outrun Britney, you can attempt to be firm. Just say no. You have the right to decline. Just because Britney wants to marry you does not give her the right to do so.
4. We recognize that simply saying no may not be enough to dissuade Britney from pursuing her objective. One thing you can try is frightening her. You might think that nothing can scare Britney, but if you can ward off a bear by banging two rocks together (or so we've heard, but if you meet a bear, and this doesn't work, hey, don't come complaining to us), certain sounds or phrases may make Britney back down.
Chief among them is something we call the "current events quiz."
Let's say Britney has you cornered in an alleyway, cellphone in hand, talking to a caterer about organizing the big day.
You say, "Britney, I'll marry you, but only if you can tell me the name of the Democratic presidential candidate seeking to defeat President Bush."
After Britney says "President Who?" you may feel in a sporting mood, and decide to offer her a multiple choice response.
"Is it a) Carrie Moss,
John Kerry, c) Stephen King's Carrie, or d) The Carry On comedy troupe?" If she gets lucky, ask her to spell "Falluja."5. Shout: "No pre-nup!"
If all these fail, well, we're sure you and Britney will be very happy together. And be sure to replace your smoke detector batteries every year.
I got it off another forum and thought it was funny.
